F*ck the British 🙏
I genuinely hate em.
This week I’ve been reading Revolutionaries: The Other Story of How India won it’s Freedom by Sanjeev Sanyal and I happened to re-read the story of General Dyer the psychopath behind the worst massacre in British occupied India’s history.
How is this funny? I don’t know, I’m furious, so let’s find out.
In Today’s Email 😳: (Read Time: 4 mins)
General Dyer the IBCC: Indian Born Confused Choot
[Video] Sometimes I dance: Here’s the promised 2nd part of the green card joke
Comic To Watch: This man is quite possibly top 5 crowdwork comics ATM
General IBCC
The year is 1919. The Great War (WW1) was finally done and Great Britain had won.
But the British in India were far from celebrating with butter chicken and naan breads.
They were worried.
Indian soldiers who fought with the British in the trenches realized that they were just lil bitches who screamed “blimey” every time someone shot at them.
Indians were no longer in awe of the white man - anyone who needs so much sunscreen could not possibly be feared.
The British were worried that the Indians would revolt especially since the snacks served at war were more bland than Prince Philips dirty talk.
So they implemented the Rowlatt Acts - basically what the USA did after 9/11 with the Patriot Act where they could spy on everyone - except in this case the terrorists implemented it so they could jail anyone without appeal.
The Rowlatt Acts did what the Australians did to India in the cricket world cup finals - they fucked us. There were protests everywhere
The biggest threat of revolt was in Punjab - because a majority of the Indian soldiers sent to war were from Punjab.
Enter General Dyer. Born in India, He was a Brigadier General in the British Army and unhappy with his life after he lost a cricket match to an Indian who also slept with his wife…
On the day of the Indian festival Baisakhi (April 13, 1919) a peaceful gathering was held at the Jalian Wala Bhag in protest of the Rowlatt Acts.
It’s said up to 10,000 people were at this park a few for the protest but most celebrating the festival.
General Dyer arrived with 50 soldiers and 2 armored cars and without warning emptied the entire troops ammunition on the public.
He killed 1500 Indians in 11 minutes. Take that diabetes.
The British said 300 but who’s math skills are you gonna trust?
Like they did with Princess Diane, the British tried to change the narrative and keep it under wraps, but the news spread and people were PISSED.
Dyer became a British hero, he was promoted (although subsequently let go) and funds were raised because he was let go by British women all over the world. Ahh the original Karens!
Eventually a special committee was set up to investigate his actions, and when asked why he did this? Dyer responded “Mujhe Dugna Lagaaan Chahiye tha”.
Although one of the saddest moments during the occupation of India, it was critical because even the British Loyalist Indians realized - Fuck The British.
It was the start of the end of the British occupation.
THE BEST PART?!
The real orchestrater of these events was General Dyer’s Irish Boss General Dwyer because the Irish and the British are like Indians and Pakistani’s. Same names different GDPs.
Dwyer was the one who enacted martial law in Punjab and allowed Dyer to do what he did.
But anyone who has a Punjabi friend knows that they never let shit go.
Because 21 years later while Dwyer was presiding over an East India Association meeting in London, the stud Udham Singh, traveled to London and emptied two bullets into his skull.
Which goes to show, no Ifs, no buts, only Jatts.
Translation - Don’t fuck with Sardars.
Green Card Joke Part 2
I’ve always wanted to add different elements to standup, so naturally dance was the first option. It’s not very easy to experiment with this since you need more stage time with specifically larger audiences for this to work well with.
But here’s one of my first attempts with it anyways - Let me know what you think!
Comic to Watch
I’ve been following Jeff Arcuri for a while and over the past year he has been BLOWING UP.
IMO he’s got some of the best crowdwork skills in the game atm. The beauty of his comedy is that he never comes across as aggressive which is always challenging when you’re confrontational which crowd work often becomes. He has this amazing ability to stay friendly yet talk shit.
You’ll see what I mean.
That’s all I got ❤️
- Talk soon killers!